The Silent Consequence of IVF That Fertility Doctors Keep From Women
Lack of informed consent and a moral reckoning.
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IVF has inexorably altered my life in both incredible and devastating ways, the latter of which I could not comprehend when I chose to pursue fertility treatments.
*You can read my first post with more details about my experience here.
First, my born children. God knew all the ways we would muck up His plans before we even existed, so their existence was always in the works. Like all created human beings, He made them perfectly and has a plan and purpose for their lives. I am forever grateful for His kindness in blessing me with the privilege of being their mother.
To the second, my unborn children. It hurts to even write it, but that’s what they are — nine embryos on ice, 25 minutes from me, waiting for their turn at a real life. The monthly “storage fee” reminder in my inbox never lets me forget it, not that I could.
Prior to motherhood, it was impossible to grasp…what it meant to be a mother or what it would mean to give up my own children for adoption — in this case, embryo adoption.
It’s all numbers and statistics, finances and hormones, hopes and dreams…until everything actually comes together.
TESTIFYING TO THE TRUTH OF IVF
I had the opportunity to film a video Live Action recently, discussing my experience as an IVF mom with frozen embryos I cannot use.
As you can see from these first few seconds, it’s a burden I bear daily. I speak more in depth at around 22 minutes & several other spots:
I justified doing IVF, knowing that more embryos than I could use may be created, with the idea of embryo adoption. We know from science that embryos are individual human beings at the earliest stages of life.
As a pro-life Christian, there would be no discarding or donating to science for me. But embryo adoption? That seemed like the perfect solution. If we had extra embryos, that was the “ethical” answer to my concerns.
Something felt unsettled about it in my heart, but I ignored the feeling and continued pursuing what I thought was the best, fastest and most efficient way to motherhood.
Putting Adults, Not Children, First
At this time, I was naive and uneducated about IVF, adoption and parenting (obviously!). I was also impatient and self-serving. I don’t say that to unfairly denigrate myself — it’s just true. I’m a sinful human that wants what I want — and a baby was at the top of that list.
Many women know this feeling and that’s why so many of us have gone the way of IVF — a truly modern miracle that few have thought through to its logical end. Fertility providers aren’t keen to help you do so, either.
As I write in a column at WORLD Magazine this week:
“At the outset, these future lives are only theoretical, which makes it hard for would-be parents to comprehend the ethical gravity of bringing them into existence.
IVF clinics won’t tell you how it feels to give away your own biological children. They won’t help you imagine the real people your embryos will become—individuals who will grow up disconnected from their biological families and imprinted with the primal wound of that separation.”
No one is thinking about the babies that will be created or the adults they will one day become if given a chance to be born. In fertility world, we think only of the parents. That’s wrong.
And parents don’t get it before it happens — they can’t. But, let me tell you, they do NOT want this burden either.
Because here’s the reality: They will look at their born children, knowing they were once on ice beside the others, their biological siblings.
And yet, maybe a woman’s body can’t bear another child, or there are so many embryos, she can’t have them all.
Now, she must mourn children not lost to death, but to a future they will no longer share.
The spiritual, moral and emotional cost of creating life outside God’s design has come to this.
LACK OF INFORMED CONSENT
Americans United for Life recently released an important paper about the lack of consent in the IVF industry, which has “failed to ensure women exploring IVF receive all the information they need to make an informed decision, which is a core principle of ethical medical practice.”
…Do women understand that the true risks, physically and psychologically, of undergoing traditional IVF?
…Are they informed of alternatives and given individual assessments of what might be best according to their bodies, morals and histories?
With fertility medicine, this is even more important because it involves not just the woman but a third party (or parties!) — preborn children who will contend with whatever choices are made in these conversations.
AUL rightly notes that women they’ve spoken to attest that they do not receive proper counsel from fertility specialists. They continue:
“Many women embark on their IVF journeys without knowing the physical and psychological risks to themselves and their preborn children, as well as what may happen to any additional embryos that are not implanted during IVF cycles.
Many women are unaware of the implications of freezing their additional embryos. The IVF process halts the development of a preborn child at the embryonic stage, where they may be left frozen indefinitely or destroyed if not transferred.”
Two major things stand out to me:
Women do not comprehend the psychological implications of what having excess embryos will mean.
Doctors are NOT discussing alternative treatments like restorative medicine and other natural techniques that may be in a woman’s best interest.
Without these two things, we are left with a lack of informed consent, and that has led to deep heartbreak and despair.
I am angry that I was not counseled correctly or helped to understand the gravity of what having excess embryos would mean. I had no medical nor spiritual direction of any kind in this way. It shouldn’t be this way.
While I take full responsibility for my choices, I was let down by people who should know better. Perhaps those who work in this industry don’t consider embryos “life,” so they think it doesn’t matter. Any parent, pro-life or not, who has frozen embryos has a hard time knowing how to proceed. Because we all know what we’re really dealing with.
Even if you relinquish your frozen embryos, there are further ethical complications, as I wrote about in a recent piece in First Things. People become property — and that should ring alarm bells for all of us. If you want examples of how crazy this has become, read this article.
A deeper dive on all of this in my piece, “Beyond IVF: The Untold Fate of Frozen Embryos.”
When Reality Catches Up to You
I had no concept of what it would be like today, on the cusp of releasing my unborn children to another family for a chance at a full life.
Currently, I’m a support group for parents in this position. In a private Facebook group I’m in, the stories are hard and more people than you know feel like I do. Most are unwilling to speak out — understandably — but I want to be a voice for others.
It’s scary to move forward, but know I must because this isn’t about me anymore. This is very difficult to talk about as a family and it feels deeply spiritual and oppressive.
After recently speaking with our pastor, he reminded us that our children are God’s children first, the He has given us these children — born and unborn. We are now to steward them well in the world and prayerfully walk forward dedicating each of them to the Lord’s purpose.
I often live in fear of the overwhelming emotion that will emerge when I hear one day that my child has been born to another family.
But I believe God redeems all things and He gave me a vision through the song, Graves Into Gardens.
I see these cryotanks, storing frozen embryos, as graves for most of them. But God is going to turn those graves into gardens of beautiful life for those who are brave enough to turn them over to Him. I’m not saying I’m “brave” — if anything, I’m just a weak person who wants to do the right thing by these unborn souls, but I the metaphor made me weep.
Instead of focusing on the brokenness I’ve caused, I’m trying to choose faith — believing that He does work all things together for the good of them that love God.
I pray for their salvation, for good, full lives that God uses for His purpose and glory.
I choose to believe that there is light and maybe these children, should they be so lucky to survive thawing and implantation, will even bring great joy to my own life someday.
To bring it back to policy, I’m sad the Trump Administration is pushing IVF, but applaud AUL’s message to them on this:
“As the Trump administration considers ART-related policies under its executive order, these policies must 1) ensure women receive proper education and counseling throughout the entire process, and 2) respect the human dignity of embryonic children.”
Read the full message with more details on that here.
Embryo adoption is a beautiful, miraculous, redemptive thing that is the only way so many children will ever get a chance to at birth.
But, for Christians struggling with infertility please hear this:
“Embryo adoption is a beautiful concept and the only option for so many lives on ice already created. But it’s not a preconceived solution to rely upon when starting IVF in anticipation of having extras.
…Christian couples should not walk into IVF with embryo adoption as part of the ‘plan.’ If IVF is pursued, it should be done with the utmost care, which means creating only the number of embryos one will use. Each embryo is a distinct human life, created by God, and worthy of the same love and protection as any child already born.”
For those who are in the same position as me, having created families through IVF and unsure of what’s next for you, I do urge you consider embryo adoption. Consider Nightlight Christian Adoptions. I would urge to steer clear of the National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC).
A fellow Substacker sent me a book he wrote, Once Frozen, Now Family, about seven families who pursued embryo adoption. There’s a lot of helpful information in here for those ware just looking into it:
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I have come around to not supporting IVF in any capacity. I can’t agree with the link that you provided with the statement about Christians only making the number embryos they plan to transfer. For the simple reason that we don’t know when our last breath will be. You can have 2 embryos sitting on ice and then get hit by a bus. A friend of a friend had every intention of transferring all of their embryos and then a devastating health diagnosis made this impossible. We can’t support leaving babies frozen on ice for years in the hopes that they will be able to be transferred.
It’s an uncomfortable and painful conversation but with the increase of IVF use, there needs to be a moral reckoning on the act of freezing babies.
Conception and pregnancy are the possibility of a child, not the promise of one.