I don’t really want to write about this, but I’m going to.
For the past 2 years or so, I’ve been speaking out against surrogacy. It’s something I’d thought very little about prior to 2021.
But once you know something important, you can’t un-know it.
This past week, a man that I know in real life made news (he’s a media figure) when he announced he had a new baby with his husband. They had used a surrogate mother, obviously.
As beautiful as a new life always is, as happy as they may be, surrogacy is still wrong — because it separates a child from his birth mother and in this case, denies the child from having any mother at all.
Mothers matter. Fathers matter. You’ll never convince me (or the what the data says) otherwise.
Here’s the thing: I want nothing but the best for this man. He is smart and kind and I’m sure his husband is of a similar nature (I don’t know him that well, but all signs point to positive from our past interactions.)
I’ve also recently watched Paris Hilton announce the coming birth of her second child to be born via surrogacy. She has 20 other frozen embryos on ice because she kept trying until she produced a female embryo.
Take that in: they have genders. That tells you something important. These are just cells glommed together — they’re individual lives with DNA codes, genders and the full potential of life just like you and I.
I’ve been watching recent interviews with Paris and she seems totally lovely these days. She seems happy, tamed and honestly, living a good life with her husband. Like many others, she might not be at all educated about what’s really happening in these surrogacy situations.
But it’s really clear once you see it.
Based on historical data, we know that children function, grow and thrive best in an environment where they are raised by their married, biological mother and father. This is, by far, the most optimal situation for a child.
Whenever I say this, people immediately stop me: Hey, what about adopted kids?! Are you against adoption?
Absolutely not.
The distinction is here: Adoption helps heals a trauma. Surrogacy creates one.
We should absolutely not be creating life intending to impart harm and separation on it. Period.
And make no mistake, the surrogacy industry is all about the money. It’s not that I think couples seeking surrogacy are themselves about the money, but those behind the curtain most certainly are.
In the last two years, surrogacy has gone from a $4 billion to a $14 billion dollar industry. It’s a business that preys on vulnerable young women who need money. Don’t be deceived: This is not about altruism.
They words themselves fool us. There are few egg *actual* donors, sperm donors or womb donors. Most of the time, everyone’s getting paid — and paid well.
Why else am I getting ads from surrogacy agencies promising $50k+ if I’ll “help a woman in need.”
If you think all these women would “donate” their bodies for free, you’re wrong. Again, I don’t blame the women. It would be hard to turn down $50k if I was in need of feeding my kids or making it through law school on my own or something like that.
We don't allow the sale of organs or tissues in the United States. How is this different? Organ and tissue trafficking would lead to a massive exploitation of vulnerable bodies. And that’s what’s happening with eggs and rented-out wombs in surrogacy.
Only people with money can do this. It’s rich people renting our poor people’s bodies to create their children. I think we can finally talk about a society that looks increasingly like the Handmaid’s Tale. Where are the red cloaks, ladies? I mean:
As I wrote in Newsweek:
Anyone wealthy enough can create a baby with purchased eggs, sperm, and womb. Without a background check or biological ties to the child, they can walk away with a newborn baby. In one case, a single man purchased embryos, hired a surrogate, had twins and then sexually abused them.
In Japan, a businessman fathered 16 surrogate children on his own and now wants more. YouTuber Shane Dawson, who has been accused of making pro-pedophilia comments, hired a surrogate with his husband, no questions asked. Another couple had 20 surrogate babies in one year, on their way to a goal of parenting 105 children. Something isn't right here.
Get a load of this disgusting conversation of a man talking about how he wanted a hot model with an Ivy League education to be his child’s bio mom.
Last week I saw this image:
So now it’s okay for rich, white couples to use Black bodies for their babies? I’m not generally somehow who uses race as an argument for anything, but in any other circumstance, progressives would be fuming about this.
Again, most people who pursue surrogacy simply want to be parents. I get it — I struggled with infertility myself and used technology to help. I know the desperation.
Here’s what we miss, though: This isn’t about what adults want.
Having children is not a “right.” Yes, I feel bad for people who aren’t successful having children. That doesn’t mean they should be allowed to use whatever means necessary to create them — ethics be damned.
Say it with me: CHILDREN HAVE RIGHTS.
Surrogacy bypasses the right a child has to be raised by their biological mother and father. Yes, plenty of people are NOT raised in that situation. But that is not planned, plotted and paid for.
In surrogacy, the whole idea is that we’re gonna start this kid off with trauma — tearing him away from his birth mother and delivering him to strangers on day 1.
Some say, what’s the big deal? Newborns don’t know what’s going on. Well, they do one something: Their birth mother’s voice, smell, and body. That’s about all they know — and you’re taking it away — treating human beings worse than puppies who aren’t allowed to be adopted until six weeks after birth so they can be near their mothers.
But the trauma doesn’t end there. Just as every adopted child must deal with identity issues and separation trauma, so too does every surrogate child. Again, adoption is a remedy to a broken situation (in many cases), but surrogate CREATES that brokenness on purpose.
"Maternal separation is linked to increase in suicidal tendencies, drug/alcohol problems, impaired capacity to form intimate relationships,” writes Katy Faust in the Federalist. “Children born to women who experience dissociation during pregnancy, develop more physical and emotional problems."
I wrote in WORLD about some of this research:
Research shows that a baby’s first attachment bond is formed in the womb, where the child becomes familiar with and partial to a mother’s scents, sounds and soothing. Even puppies aren’t allowed to be adopted for six weeks, precisely because they need to develop near their mother after delivery. “Early maternal separation can result in a series of traumatic emotional reactions,” says research from Current Directions in Psychological Science.
Did you know for-profit surrogacy is banned in Italy, Canada, Denmark, New Zealand, Brazil, Britain, and Australia? This is a barbaric and ethically WRONG practice. United States, it’s time to take note.
So, why did I say I didn’t want to write about this? I’m thinking of a girl I’ve met who struggled for many years with infertility — rounds of failed IVF and more. She and her husband ultimately chose surrogacy and now have a beautiful little baby. I know people like her will feel targeted by pieces like this. And that is not my intention. What’s done is done. I advocate for the future, for people to get educated about something they likely didn’t know much about before.
The reality is, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE ADULTS.
People will ask,“Why are you so obsessed with this? It’s not hurting anyone, and these people deserve to have kids to.”
Wrong. It is hurting someone. It’s hurting the child. And no one “deserves” to be a parent. We don’t really deserve much, as fallen humans (but that’s a post for another day!)
Here are the top points to remember:
Children’s rights trump adult desires
No one has a “right” to a child
Surrogacy trafficks a human body
Children deserve their biological mother + father if at all possible
Maternal separation leads to a host of mental health issues
Big Surrogacy is a corrupt, big money business that preys on vulnerable women
Many have told me they never knew any of this. I’ve had people say, “You changed my. mind on this issue.”
My intention is to educate and enlighten. It’s not easy information. But we live in a place where we are responsible to others. We live in a place where God’s created, natural order is where children do best (again, generally — there are always exceptions in a broken world) — and that’s not an accident.
This has nothing to do with being anti-gay (as so many say) or having no compassion for the infertile. It has to do with children, their rights and doing the right thing even when it’s hard.
Resources you need:
Them Before Us by Katy Faust (MUST-READ!) — book & organization
Center for Bioethics & Culture
Film: Eggsploitation
Film: #BigFertility
We Are Donor Conceived (the experiences of those created in this way and how it affects them)
Relatable Podcast episode: Interview with Olivia Maurel, a surrogate child
Worth Your Time Podcast episode: What’s Wrong with Surrogacy? with Jennifer Lahl
Girl Defined Podcast episode: The Dark Side of Surrogacy and Renting Out Our Wombs with Ericka Andersen
A few more images to consider:
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Reason to Return: Why Women Need the Church & the Church Needs Women
Leaving Cloud 9: The True Story of a Life Resurrected From the Ashes of Poverty, Trauma and Mental Illness
This is interesting. I considered being a surrogate some years ago. I already had three healthy, kids, loved being pregnant, and had a friend who did it. Also, it seemed a way for me to reasonably make an income and help people, while still focusing on parenting.
Later I was glad I didn't, but that was because when I got pregnant again I found out I had lupus and spent most of the year almost dying.
Anyway, this article makes some good points. In many ways it highlights how many of these problems could be solved through oversight. But I am pretty blown away by who can get babies this way--not just couples, not checked for abuse or mental health, internationally, without limit. That is crazy. And seperation from the mother.
I am an expert on human trafficking and I can see how you can argue either way for this, but you'd have to really be able to prove it was exploitating the bio-mother to always call it trafficking, which could happen, but I don't think it always would be (like, for example, in my case). Adoption has always been like this, except in this case the mom is having babies and exploitating the children, being paid and funded, having one new people one after the other as infants are high in demand.
I am not totally convinced surrogacy has to always be evil, especially if they are relatives, or living together. But definitely rethinking this and really feel like it is something we need to know this stuff about. Thanks for the research and letting us know.