Hungover at Church

Was my love for God not enough to quit drinking?

»> Tools & resources for Christian women to change their relationship with alcohol here.

Last week, I spoke on a stage for a group of women about my long walk to sobriety. I wanted to share some of that speech with you and have adapted it here.

The trip toward sobriety started about 25 years ago with my very first drink as a teenager and ended 4+ years ago when I had my last.

Sobriety is a lifestyle, so the trip continues today, but the most challenging trek is over.

I will tell people for the rest of my life that it’s possible to get over that steep, rocky region that is early sobriety.

The Double Life

For years, I lived a divided life. I appeared to have it all together on the outside—a good Christian who knew the right things to say and do. But inside, I was struggling with something no one knew about.

Six years ago, I woke up with a pounding headache, staring down a full day of parenting a two-year-old and a baby. But this wasn’t just any headache—it was the all-too-familiar consequence of a night of drinking too much, followed by another morning of regret.

If you’ve ever cared for little ones while sick, you know it’s a special kind of misery. That morning, I made a promise—for what felt like the hundredth time—that I was done drinking. But by the end of the day, once my headache faded and I’d hydrated with plenty of Gatorade, I felt “normal” again, and that promise started to slip through my fingers.

I know I was drinking in this picture, as kid birthday parties often seem to be an excuse for adults to be ridiculous. This is also about the time I had that hungover day caring for my kiddos:

I’d been trapped in the for so long. I didn’t realize it then, but God had something better for me—a better life, a better way to cope, and a better version of the mom, wife, and woman He created me to be.

It’s not as simple as just “quitting,” though.

Addiction changes your brain, and the battle isn’t just physical or mental—it’s spiritual, emotional, and relational.

There was real spiritual warfare at play, with Satan counting on me to stay stuck in this shame and struggle for a lifetime.

And one thing I’ve learned: You can’t overcome a spiritual battle with willpower.

Willpower means “control exerted to restrain an impulse.”

Addiction is more than impulse. Spiritual battles are more significant than any human control we can exert.

It’s no coincidence that liquor is often called a “spirit.”

Realistically, that moniker is due to the distilling process of the alcohol, which extracts the purest parts of the fermented material, capturing its “spirit.”

However, when Ephesians says, “Be not drunk with wine but be filled with the Holy Spirit,” we see the double entendre of the word “spirit.”

When drinking "spirits," I could feel a deep, almost tangible separation from the Holy Spirit—like oil and water, unable to mix. You cannot be filled with the Holy Spirit when drunk on wine. While the verse doesn't state this explicitly, my experience has proven it true.

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Does the Bible Study Leader Have a Drinking Problem?

You don’t expect this kind of story from your former Bible study leader, your child’s fifth-grade teacher, or the mom you meet for playdates.

Yet here’s the truth: there are thousands of Christian women hiding in plain sight, struggling with drinking. Women who seem to have it all together but are fighting an invisible battle.

The strength of one’s faith doesn’t stop them from reaching for another drink. Or stop them from thinking if they just loved God “enough,” they could stop. It’s more complicated than that.

The numbers don’t lie. Alcohol consumption among women in the U.S. has risen sharply in recent years, and we can assume those trends are reflected in the church. That means at least 1 in 5 women – in the pews – is likely questioning her relationship with alcohol.

**I wrote about this in-depth for Christianity Today earlier this year.

She might be Googling things like, “Do I have a drinking problem?” She might feel regret every Sunday morning after a weekend of overindulgence. She tells herself this is the week she’ll stop.

But then…she doesn’t. She can’t. And the isolation grows.

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»»>> The Secret Lives of Unsuspecting Female Binge Drinkers

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Because admitting that this is her struggle? That’s a step too far for the woman teaching Sunday school, volunteering at church, or sitting in the pew next to you.

I knew all the Christian platitudes back then, too, as a girl who grew up in church, but it didn’t stop my brain from questions like:

• What will people think?

• What if I can never drink again?

• What if they don’t trust me with their kids?

• What if someone calls CPS?

• Am I being dramatic?

• If I had a problem, wouldn’t someone have said something?

I gaslit myself out of dealing with what I knew was an issue. I talked myself out of getting help too many times to count. Even though…

…I once led bible study with a vodka cocktail in my tumbler.

…I went to church hungover too many times to count.

…I drank too much on the weekends and signed up for mission trips on Monday.

For a long time, my life was like a house where every room looked spotless—except for the one locked closet where I shoved the mess. That hidden closet was my alcohol addiction.

On Sundays, I’d raise my hands in worship, and during the week, I’d whisper prayers for strength. But the truth was, I wasn’t letting God into that locked closet to clean it out. I was a hoarder, piling up more shame and hurt where no one could see it.

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»» Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

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I looked alive on the outside but was carrying death and brokenness within. It felt like light and dark, truly. I viscerally felt the voice and spirit of darkness in some of these moments.

I would begin to hear a quiet but sinister voice in my mind: “you're stupid, lazy, selfish, I hate you.” The voice of evil.

I was trying to “fix” myself alone in a dark room without help or guidance. Try doing anything that way, and you won’t get very far. Satan wants us to believe it’s too shameful to tell anyone we’re lost, confused, hurting, or drowning.

He spams us with lies about judgment, reputation, sin, and weakness — and we get buried by it.

“You can’t heal what you won’t reveal” is a popular phrase in therapy. I had prayed and journaled and cried out, but it was solitary. God gave us much more to work with than just our fallen, unhealed selves.

Finally, I reached the end of myself.

That moment was like unlocking the closet door for the first time. And you know what I realized? God wasn’t horrified by the mess. He already knew it was there and patiently waited for me to invite Him in.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That night, I felt His closeness in a way I never had before.

And I realized that freedom wouldn’t come from trying harder.

It would come from believing I was loved, saved, and valued even if I never overcame this struggle.

I’d been almost holding my salvation hostage, even boarding planes with a real fear that in the event of a crash, I would end up in hell for unrepentant drinking.

So, to hear God tell me that He was WITH me in this struggle, and that I didn’t have to prove anything to Him was truly freeing.

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»> The Toxic Relationship Between Women & Alcohol

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I was learning — learning that addiction and dependence are far more complicated than just “sin or not.” I’d been operating without a lot of valuable information about the science of addiction, biology, thought patterns, and so much more.

By staying in the dark and not seeking help from those God had placed around me, I had denied myself the very knowledge necessary to get out of the destructive closet I’d built.

But I had to choose to trust Him first. He asked me to trust that I would NOT be rejected, judged, or discarded for saying the words of my struggle aloud.

After finally sharing with my small group and a little bit online, I got a call from my pastor asking me to share something God was doing in my life for an upcoming church service. Cue the stomach pains. I knew God was calling me to share with my church, even though I was less than 6 months sober.

It was terrifying — like standing naked in front of the world. But God used those obedient actions to cleanse and strengthen me — and to write the truth on my soul: this is the way forward and you’re not alone anymore.

With some of my church family friends:

Alcohol’s hold on me, I finally realized, didn’t make me some special kind of bad. It made me human.

“There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ.” (Romans 8:1) Period.

He keeps no record of wrongs. Our only responsibility is to accept this gift of LOVE and mercy. The enemy doesn’t get the last word. And this is all the Gospel, the GOOD NEWS that we say we believe in – we are saved by grace, with new mercies every morning and no sin stamped on record.

By God’s grace, I’ve been free from alcohol for over four years now. It wasn’t some magical, overnight transformation. It never is. But God has something better for you.

Today, my purpose is more evident than ever. Most importantly, I know that I’m fully loved—not because of what I’ve done but because of who God is and what HE chose to do for me.

Isaiah 61:3 speaks of God’s promise to give us “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”

Imagine living in this freedom? Imagine yourself a year from now, living without oppression and dependence. Don’t hide in the darkness. Come thrive in the light.

This is not a Christian song, but I always adapt it as so, imagining God inviting us in to “fix us” with His glorious, redemptive power:

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