When Your Kid's New Friend Goes By 'They'
Navigating the new elementary school culture with grace.
Yesterday, my 7-year-old informed me that a friend at school said she will now be going by “they.”
I knew this would come early, but I was still a little surprised. Jacob already knew about the ways people attempt to gender-bend and transform these days because we started talking about it over a year ago.
It wasn’t my preference to get into the nitty gritty of gender identity with my Kindergartner, but that’s when those first conversations began for us.
When his friend told him the news, he apparently responded with: “My mom’s been teaching me that you can’t be a ‘they'.”
Oh wow — so he has been listening (and I don’t even remember discussing “they” much!)
Essentially, I’ve talked with him about how God made us male and female from conception and we can’t change that about ourselves.
God made us male and female from conception and we can’t change that about ourselves.
You could like to play with dolls or wear pink and you’d still be a boy. Or you could want to dress like a boy and play video games and you’d still be a girl. God didn’t accidentally put anyone in the wrong body and our diversity personality is a beautiful thing.
As for “they,” which is generally intended for someone who identifies as “non-binary,” it doesn’t make grammatical or logical sense for an individual person. Furthermore, you’re either male or female and this is unchangeable reality no matter how one feels.
Biologically speaking, “non-binary” is not real, though I can understand how someone might feel that way inside. And that is what I’m teaching my children.
But back to the classroom: What did the girl say when Jacob told her you can’t be a “they”?
"She said her mom’s been teaching her that you can be,” he replied.
I asked if she had been upset about what he told her, and he said no — they just kind of agreed to disagree and moved on to a new conversation.
Thankfully, that was the end of it, though I know as they grow older such conversations will be far more heated. I am preparing him now to understand and brace for encounters like this with grace and truth.
I wanted to share with you the concepts I imparted to him after he told me what happened:
Be Wise in Sharing. You don’t necessarily want to just insert your opinion about something just to tell someone they’re wrong. If someone asks you what you think, that’s a great time to tell them, though. It’s always better to be in relationship with someone before discussing something controversial, too.
Stay Curious. If someone is talking about something you think is wrong, or they tell you you are wrong, be sure to ask them lots of questions. Always be a good listener and be curious about their point of view, while staying confident in your own. Being genuine in your curiosity builds bridges and safety for your friend.
Be Respectful. No matter how wrong we think someone is, we will always respect their opinion and be kind and gracious. We will never dislike someone because they believe differently than we do. We are all free to believe and say what we want in the United States.
Stand Strong. It’s okay that we may believe differently than others. Our worldview is rooted in God, His creation and historical Truth. People will tell you you’re wrong, but you know why you believe what you do, so you can stand strong in that knowledge.
Pray for Them. No matter who they are, we will pray for them to know Jesus someday if they don’t. We will always be loving, really seeing those who are different, lost, sad or struggling.
I told him that there are some people who will not want to be your friend if you don’t believe like them — and that’s awfully sad. That’s not who we are.
The truth is, I used to be scared to talk about something like this so openly. It still makes me a bit nervous, but I think it’s important for Christians to be bold and tell the truth in such a confusing time.
People are hungering for something solid to stand on and it doesn’t get anymore firm that God’s truth.
If you read my post about standing up on this issue among adult friends recently, you’ll know some may not view me as a “safe” parent if my own kids experience gender identity issues.
I’ll tell you this: I don’t care if my kid tells me he’s a wild turkey — I would never abandon him. But I would love him enough to get him the help he needs to understand he’s not a wild turkey, he’s a boy named Jacob.
I make a point on regular basis to tell my kids that I would love them even if they did the worst of things. That I would love them more, in fact, because. I do love them more with every passing day regardless of behavior or anything else.
On Christian Parenting Today
Perhaps I’ve got a little more fear than I should — about sending my kids out into the world. But a few weeks ago at church, as that fear enveloped me a bit, I heard God say “I love your kids more than you do.” My outstretched arms crumbled inward toward my heart in gratitude for that sweet message.
Lastly, on this I will say (because someone always tells me I’m brainwashing my kids) that this is not blind impartation of religion or beliefs. We are dedicated to helping our kids understand the WHY and logic behind our Christian faith. It’s why we study apologetics, discuss evidence, and talk openly about beliefs other people have.
I don’t want my kids to believe in Christ just because I tell them to. I want them to gather enough information over time that they ultimately choose Him — and all the truth, beauty, grace and wisdom that comes with Him — for themselves.
As parents, we all impart our views on our kids in some way. But I’ve seen too many kids from Christian homes walk away later in life. It’s what has inspired me to approach this differently with my family.
When we discuss a Biblical concept, we talk about what it means and why it matters, not just accept what it says at face value. We ask questions, get curious and get to the root because that’s how you build a genuinely strong foundation of faith.
So don’t be afraid to empower your kids with words of confidence, truth and bold faith. Prepare them to be warriors of love in a hostile world. That’s what I’m aiming for.
You mention you are "helping our kids understand the WHY and logic behind our Christian faith. It’s why we study apologetics, discuss evidence, and talk openly about beliefs other people have." which is great. I've studied all of those and a few years ago I've been able to add hard science to the WHY. You should check out a website called EvolutionNews.org. It sounds like it supports evolution but NO it is presented as an Intelligent Design community of scientists, but they range in World Views from Agnostic to very devout Christian (on the site search for James Tour, he'll blow your mind). Stay strong as the return of Christ nears.