We’re asking the wrong questions about alcohol.
How much is too much?
Is it really that bad for your health?
Can we make it through Dry January? (And then we’ll know everything’s ok?)
Do I actually have a problem?
Those are the things we ask when we’re desperate to hold onto something we know isn’t serving us.
Like a bad relationship, when we ask things like:
Isn’t love enough to overcome this?
Don’t his good parts make up for his bad?
Can we make it past our 10 year anniversary (and then we’ll know everything’s ok?)
Is he actually that bad?
Things we ask when we’re desperate to hold on to something we know isn’t serving us.
But we don’t want to admit it. It feels impossible to leave. And we can’t imagine our lives without it.
Our whole, decades-left, lives that we’ve been told we deserve to live in love and in celebration.
Roman holidays and deep red Chianti. A daughter’s wedding with cold Chardonnay & soft, white cake. Chris Stapleton concerts and tall, cheap beers. Christmas parties with spiked cinnamon cider. What fun could anything be without our friend?
Plus, all the memories.
The way he loved us when we felt unlovable.
The time we rode the carousel at the beach and planned that trip to Thailand.
The feeling of warmth that overcame us when his texts popped up unexpectedly.
Alcohol is the same…
The way it extracted confidence we didn’t know existed.
The time you danced all night at a wedding without feeling self conscious.
The feeling of warmth that overcame us when we knew it was coming.
Too many people are clinging on to an abusive relationship with alcohol — one that takes much and gives little.
We’ve been hoodwinked by the cultural lie that we need alcohol
…to have fun
..to celebrate
…to commiserate
…to relax
…to bond
…to travel
…to mother
We’ve forgotten the pure joy of just being alive.
Watch your kids play in the sprinkler or pump their legs hard and high on a swing at the playground. There’s a joy inside of us all that we’ve masked with alcohol.
We’ve exchanged the real thing for a damn lie.
Believing the Lies
I’m a fan of Capitalism and free markets, because I believe it brings immense opportunity for many people. Still, I hear a lot those complaining about the ills of such a system fully surrendering themselves to the marketing schemes of Big Alcohol.
Especially women, more prone to the hyper-targeted, perfectly-pink packaged bottles with flavors like Black Girl Magic Riesling and Love Drunk Rose. After all, it’s made *just* for us!
What’s a life without true love?
What’s a party without a variety of pack of citrus Truly’s?
We’re asking the wrong questions.
It wasn’t until I started asking different ones that things began to shift.
Does my life improve with alcohol?
Does alcohol move me forward physically, mentally and spiritually?
Does alcohol enhance my relationships or hinder them?
Did alcohol really make my favorite memories better or have I been drinking it so long, I forgot what it’s like to live without it?
Yes, it was a friend for a long time. But it could turn on you in an instant.
For me, it was the first time I felt at ease and confident at a party. I could talk to people — I was fun. It was like a magic elixir.
But later, it made me black out.
It eliminated my intense fear of physical relationships with men. All of the sudden, I was a carefree, cool girl. I wasn’t afraid anymore (more powerfully freeing than I ever realized it could be and something more women struggle with than will admit it.)
But in the morning, I had regrets.
It was with me when I felt lonely and fearful on dark nights after a late shift at work.
But it woke me up at 4am with anxiety.
After many years running to food to numb out, alcohol was a “better” kind of numbing — one that didn’t make me feel bloated and disgusting (at least not right away.)
But it stirred my depression.
It helped me make friends as a young professional on Capitol Hill. It’s always 5 O’Clock somewhere in DC and the quicker I could get a buzz, the better networking I could do. Honestly, I’m still benefitting from some of those connections made many years ago over Lemon Drop Martinis at Old Ebbit Grill.
But it often made me say things I shouldn’t have.
It went with me on dates I wasn’t sure about and out on nights I’ll never remember with friends I’ll never forget.
But sometimes, it gave me the spins.
It soothed a broken heart, and got me through making dinner when I didn’t want to.
But never actually healed a thing.
It was such a versatile friend, just $10 away at the Kroger down the street — willing to join me any day, any time. It would hide in my purse, my closet, my car just in case I needed a friend. So loyal, you see.
Can Anything Be Salvaged?
Like a bad relationship, it wasn’t all bad. There were salvageable parts, but are the disconnected pieces worth balancing forever — or until I drop them and they irreparably break (taking my life down with them)?
He only hit me sometimes, but the rest of the time he made me feel like a queen. I had to walk on eggshells, but for the first time, I felt truly loved. Can’t love overcome every barrier?
You’re asking the wrong questions.
But you weren’t weak. You were hurt, sick, desperate, human.
…Love helped when life felt unbearable. You accidentally taught your body you needed him to survive.
…Alcohol helped when life felt unbearable. You accidentally taught your body you needed it to survive.
But now you know you don’t need it. You started asking the right questions. You saw through the fog of the alcohol haze, and the lies of a friend, a lover, who wasn’t helping you live, but helping you die.
Now, you’re asking the right questions…
Am I worth genuine relationships with people who don’t need alcohol to like me?
Is my relationship with God better or worse when alcohol is involved?
Did alcohol really ever make things better?
Am I the best version of me with or without alcohol?
So you see, it’s not about “Do I have a problem?” It’s about, do I want a better, more authentic experience of life? Do I want to remove the barrier for growth in my spiritual life? Do I want to glorify God or glorify this idol of alcohol? Do I want to run to a substance instead of the substance-maker?
Ask better questions. Get better answers.
Here’s to everyone white-knuckling it through Dry January. It doesn’t have to end on January 31st. And life will be better if you keep going. I promise.
»» Are you sober curious? Or have concerns about a friend or family member? Download resource kit at SobrietyCurious.com
»> Learn more about my story:
Why is Everyone Yelling Podcast: Faith, Church & Alcohol
Reason to Return (my book which shares my story of overcoming)
Women, Do We Need an Intervention? (My piece in the New York Times)
MY BOOKS:
Reason to Return: Why Women Need the Church & the Church Needs Women
Leaving Cloud 9: The True Story of a Life Resurrected From the Ashes of Poverty, Trauma and Mental Illness